You've Got The Power

I've been doing A LOT of work lately.  Self work.  I have been analyzing myself (what else is new) and have come to a pretty big realization.  As I analyze and look over my life,  I discovered,  that I have been slowly giving my power away, bit by bit, for as long as I can remember.   You're likely thinking "what the hell is she talking about now?".  Well, what giving your power away means to me, is that each time I shrink away from a discussion, squash down my feelings, thoughts or opinions or put myself last, I am willingly giving my power away to whomever I am dimming my light to.  This could be any situation where I haven't had the 'nerve' to speak my truth; haven't had the courage to be truly myself; all of the times that I retreated to blend into a room or a relationship or a job.  All of the times that I let someone else's opinion of me become my truth as well.  To be perfectly honest, this has left me feeling EXHAUSTED. To slowly give pieces of yourself away to others drains you of your self confidence and leaves you feeling weaker and weaker.  Something I have come to know about myself, is that I try to avoid confrontation like the plague.  I want everyone to like me, I am terrified of disappointing others or looking 'bad' as a woman, a community member, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and so on.  So what has happened to me over all of these years of being afraid to truly SHINE, is that my internal power has dwindled.  My flame has become just a little spark.  :(

After this amazing discovery, I decided that it was time to bring all that power back to it's rightful owner.  It was time for me to be proud of who I am, confident in my light, and love myself for the weirdo that I am.  So I began to think about how I could do this.  Who I could 'go' to to help me.  Should I do Reiki? Body Talk? Therapy? Plant Medicine?  But the more I thought about my options, the more I realized that in seeking outside of myself for the answers, was yet, ANOTHER tactic of mine to give my power away.  So with that, I decided to take matters into my own hands (and heart).

I checked in with my family to see when the next time would be that I would have the house to myself.  I started to visualize what this night would look like.  It would have to be an evening of releasing, forgiving, and retrieving all in one.  This ceremony started to take shape in my minds eye, and I knew that it was exactly what I needed.  Excitement was starting to bubble up inside of me.

The night was finally here, and I began to create a sacred space.  I set out all of my crystals, gems, and candles.  I had my journal, pen, a ball of string, scissors and I made myself a cup of ceremonial cacao to fully seal the deal.  I put on healing music, turned down the blinds (my neighbours likely already think I am crazy!) and locked the door.  I called in my guides, set my intention and got to work.  I began writing a letter to every person that I have given my power to.  The ones that really stood out in my mind.  The people or relationships that really took from me, or rather, that I willingly gave myself to.  I sat and I wrote a letter to these people, (men, women, family, friends, lovers, etc) first with the memory or feeling attached to each situation.  Next, I declared my forgiveness to them, as well as myself.  Then I cut a small piece of string and placed it on each letter.  Before long I was surrounded with letters of release.  Just so you can have a visual, here is what this looked like:


After I felt like I had said all I needed to say, I decided to take this party outside to the fire pit.  I lit a fire and went through each and every letter.  I read them again, out loud.  I forgave myself for shrinking and dimming my light.  I forgave each person for hurting me.  I took the string that I had cut, which symbolized a cord between the two of us and visualized myself at one end and the other at the opposite end.  Next, I burned that shit all away.  Each and every letter and string, one by one, was released into the flame.  And with each release was also a sweet retrieval of that part of myself that I had lost along the way.  With each burning page I could literally feel parts of myself coming back, and felt this energy rising inside me that was truly amazing.   

fire power.jpg

After I was finished, there was still one more tiny item that needed releasing.  A wedding ring.  For whatever reason I had still kept it, even though I have not been married for almost 3 years.  I guess I was hanging on to it because I didn't really know what else to do with it?  It sat with me during the entire night and absorbed everything that was happening.  So it was in a a split second sitting by my fire, in the snowy rain, that it came to me.  I needed to release this ring and all that it stood for into the river.  Yep, it is true.  I wanted to throw this ring into the river as far as I could and let it wash away. Cleansing away any remnants from my evening as well as releasing the slightly extinguished Kara and retrieving back the Kara that was born to shine. 

{As an aside, and to be totally honest, I was going to leave this teeny tiny detail out of this story.  But then (laughing to myself) I realized that in doing that I would still not be honouring myself or my power} 

So what does a crazy lady do close to midnight in a slushy rain storm?  She gets into her car, wearing a winter hat with a hikers headlamp around her head, a pair of Baffin rubber boots and her pyjama bottoms. (classy, right!?!)  She drives down to the bridge that overlooks the dam and waterfalls in her town.  She parks her car, and runs halfway across the bridge.  She holds the ring in her hands for a moment offering gratitude for everything that it has witnessed on this night, and then,  she chucked that thing over the bridge and into the streaming river below. 

The End.